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It’s not the color of your hair or clothes that you wear
The trigger worked i guess one of that sunny days, when we we getting ready to our eurotrip planned a month before. I graduated from university, felt free as a bird, me and my best friend roomie had a whole month of parties and when my bf came everyone cheered us up and said it’s gonna be unforgetable times of our lovestory. I had no doubts at all. Few days before departure my bf estimated my look like “you’d better lose some weight, it could have unhealthy consequences”. I was shocked, stunned and surprised. Maybe it was the first time i looked at myself in the mirror in a different way. I realised i’ve got chubby a bit since he has seen me last time and i knew why. In fact my friends and me spent lots of time dreaming about better future. My passion is cooking, i always did that for every guest at my place and my biggest dream was and still is to open my own restaurant one day, with warm atmosphere and the best food in the whole fucking world. So cooking and eating gave the result i saw as my own reflection. I felt like smth really heavy hit me on the head and i’ve got scared, disguisted, dissapointed, ashamed of myself at once. I’m 165 cm which is 5’5’, my hw made me cry that days and was around 136 lbs, fuck! That feeling made me change like personality first of all, these days I’m looking back and wish my carelessness came back, but at the same time i know i can’t afford that because i have a long way ahead.
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There is nowhere to go but nowhere
I used to make fun of girls going on diets and complaining about weight. I never felt fat or ugly, never had lack of attention from guys. When i was around 17 one of my friends made list of guys, who wanted to date me, while i preferred single and relaxed lifestyle, never been obliged to someone. I got into relatioship with by best friend later, which didn’t work at the end. Maybe i was too young and the mental pressure he got on me with his previous relations kinda stabbed me in the back. It was like that - he told me about the girl, who turned his life upside down, made him think in other more positive way he did before. It didn’t work for him as well, because of the distance, but still it made me feel like i was playing a substitutional part in his life. We had lots of good moments, i admit. We’ve been to Paris, Nice, Milan, Venice other magnificent places, which was fun. But after we broke up i partied so hard with my friends willing to help me, i had no time to be wasted on memories. I really was into some new adventures. So when i got an invitation to some kind of snowboarding camp, iwith no regrets i agreed to go there. It was fun, we had weed and few days of fun on slopes were guaranteed. There were loads of people from all around the country and abroad. The last day we were just sitting all together in hotel room and talking about everything. Some guys were flirting with me, i just didn’t care. I caught the sight of just one guy, i didn’t notice him at first, as well as he, but when i came back home i wasn’t surprised when he sent me an email message. So that’s how it started. I was into another tricky adventure, never knew what was waiting for me ahead.
Now scrolling back and comparing these days, i see him hiding from me, willing to help, but too tired, scared, disgusted and sick of what happened to me since then. I don’t blame him, i feel sorry he feels his fault. I want to let him go, but i feel that i love him too much.
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So i guess i lived quite happily then, never bothering about the way i looked. I had great guys around me, all my friends are very extraordinary people. Even when, after dating over 3 years i broke up with one jerk we had a great reason to make a party. So we did it almost every fucking day, we were spontaneous, smoked lots of weed and planned crazy adventures, which always brought to life. There were painted walls and faces, artificial smoke machine, old cali style rollerblades, foil, photosets, hikes, snb trips… maybe later i could tell all these stories, but now the point is different. Now everyone went apart, we were dreaming about another life about moving ahead to some other unexplored areas. And we succeeded. Now it’s my 6th month in Italy, i guess. My best friend is in Portugal for more or less the same period of time, yeah we can reach each other easily if we want. But for me it’s particularly different, as probably everyone suspects that ED has developed in my mind, and nobody can do nothing about that, especially me, because i just don’t want.
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I tried being honest more humble and kind
So here it goes. I decided to start this blog, cause i realized that it’s really hard to hide all the shit, which is happening in my head. This is kind of therapy which i hope helps me not to go absolutely crazy. I’m trying to think about countdown of everything which took me to current position and state of mind. Probably it’s somewhere around 6 months ago, when i decided to move to another country, start new life, was full of inspirations and dreams, okay i am still is. but… everyday i am fighting with sanity, thinking vice versa i used to, encouraging myself, trying to think positive, overreacting…and other regular stuff. my name is Veronica. i am 23. all i see in the mirror everyday is pure ugliness. and i am okay with that as long as i am going to change everything the way i want it to be. i think that’s all for today.
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All the kids want to be like me when i just gonna rock the cemetary
